37 Funny Christmas Quotes To Ease The Holiday Hustle

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Santa Pushing Reindeer


Photo: Per Breiehagen/Getty Images

‘Tis the season to stress out! The tree is the centerpiece of Christmas and the cause of numerous discussions each year—real or fake, 6 ft. or 8 ft., Blue Spruce or Fraser Fir, cut down or off the lot. We should remember the words of Larry Wilde when deciding on the tree, « Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. » If we find ourselves mindlessly stuffing our mouths with snickerdoodles as we make lists and check them 2, 3, and 4 times, then no wonder « stressed » is « desserts » spelled backward. Instead of all those cookies, use some comic relief to alleviate that stress. Carve time into your seasonal schedule to invite your girlfriends over for laughs and to watch Barbara Stanwyck in the 1945 classic

Christmas in Connecticut.

(If you can’t bear to waste time, then make it a

movie-watching

and wrapping party.) A quick way to keep your spirits bright, print out these funny Christmas quotes to remind you to take time to laugh this holiday season.


01


of 05



Naughty and Nice Quotes

Santa Naughty List Funny

Southern Living


  • « It’s all fun and games ’til Santa checks the naughty list. » –Unknown
  • “Santa Claus had the right idea. Visit people only once a year. » –Victor Borge
  • “Dear Santa, I was framed.” –Unknown
  • “Dear Santa, before I explain, how much do you know already?” –Unknown
  • “Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.” –Gary Allan

02


of 05



Christmas Tree Quotes

Tinsel Funny Christmas Saying

Southern Living


  • « Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. » –Larry Wilde
  • “There’s no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor’s yard.” –Dan Florence
  • « Don’t get your tinsel in a tangle! » –Unknown
  • « Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of socks. » –Unknown

03


of 05



Christmas Gift Quotes

Christmas Cost Funny Saying

Southern Living


  • « Dear Santa, this year please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body. You mixed those two up last year. » –Unknown
  • « Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. » –Kin Hubbard
  • “Adults can take a simple holiday for children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.” –Erma Bombeck
  • « It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas. » –Unknown
  • « The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. » –Johnny Carson
  • “Christmas is getting all you can get while the getting is good.” –Sally Brown,

    A Charlie Brown Christmas
  • « Christmas is a magical time of year…I just watched all my money magically disappear. » –Unknown
  • “Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” –Unknown
  • “I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” –Henny Youngman
  • “It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.” –Milton Berle
  • “The ideal Christmas gift is money, but the trouble is you can’t charge it.” –Bill Vaughan


04


of 05



‘Tis the Season

Morning Person Christmas Funny Saying

Southern Living


  • « Don’t blame the holidays. You were fat in August. » –Unknown
  • « Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. » –Andy Borowitz
  • “That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.” –Jerry Seinfeld
  • “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” –Phyllis Diller
  • « I’m only a morning person on December 25th. » –Unknown
  • “A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” –Garrison Keillor
  • « Why is Christmas just like a day in the office? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit. » –Uknown
  • “We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup.” –Buddy the Elf,

    Elf

05


of 05



Quotes About Family and Friends

Funny Christmas Saying

Southern Living


  • « Dear Santa, it was my sister’s fault. » –Unknown
  • « My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge. » –Melanie White
  • « Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up. » –Wendy Cope
  • « You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. » –Maya Angelou
  • « A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day. » –Melanie White
  • « There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus. » –Bob Phillips
  • “The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.” –Julius Sharpe
  • « Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp. » –Melanie White
  • “It’s that special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to look at their cellphones.” –Jimmy Kimmel